The Mystery of the Yid and the Kosher Pup! Chapters VII — XVIII

 

 Now at long last, the long awaited continuation and end of The Yid and the Kosher Pup! If you enjoyed the first 7 chapters, you will be enthralled with the following 10 chapters. Fast action, witty and pithy retort, knee slapping humor,  heart wrenching  emotionality, it’ s all right here! Izzy and the gang are waiting to entertain you, so sit down, get comfy, and let yourself be carried away to the Hasidim Hood, smell the boiled chicken, listen to the local banter of the Yids on Fairfax Ave. Sit, Read, Enjoy, NU!


Chapter VIII: Still Dead!              

 

The next day Simon, Boria, and Benny Swartzkoff, all traveled down to Fairfax Ave, and Pico Ave., where they were to meet with Izzy Ben Trouble, well respected, and somewhat of a celebrity in both the Yid community and the Crip community. Izzy was the ”Man about town”. He had been on the cover of Crips Corner last month, for being the sexiest crip to hit the streets in quiet awhile. Simultaneously he had been interviewed by the ADAPT magazine for his pro bono work for members of ADAPT (a national grass-roots community that organizes disability rights activists to engage in nonviolent direct action, including civil disobedience, To assure the civil and human rights of people with disabilities to live in freedom).

The three Yids kind of like the three stooges, were attempting to decide how exactly to proceed with the case of Elizabeth Trupnick, the by now, very dead girl, still seating in Boris Platski’s office. With the passing of time Rigamortis was occurring, and the body was beginning to decompose. Chances are pretty good that it was starting to stink not to mention that no one had bothered to contact Elizabeth’s parents to inform them of their daughters demise.

Simon was attempting to incorporate his newfound skills as a JewDo novice, to help him traverse this unfamiliar territory strewn with mental landmines just about wherever you stepped. His concentration just could not bring itself to a single focus; he could not remain in the present. His mind was like that of a drunken monkey. Simon realized that it was his responsibility to be the lead in the discussion that would soon take place between Ben Trouble and the three young men. They found the address they were looking for, and entered the building, took the elevator to the 12th floor, and disembarked. On their right was a large oak door with the words Izzy Ben Trouble, Private Investigator unabashedly emblazoned on the door.

They entered the office and were immediately greeted by Irma Moralles, the office manager. Irma was not a bad package either. She was about 5 ft. 6 in, long brunette hair, which reached down to her lower back, with a killer smile and very delicious looking lips. “Hi, what can I do for y’all” Irma said smiling,

Benny said, “we’re here to see Mr. Ben Trouble”,

“do you have an appointment?”,

“Yes we do, at 2 pm”, which was coming around real fast.

“Simon Saltman”, “No”, Simon said a bit irritated, “Its Saltzzz mamman”.

“Alright, you don’t have to get so touchy”, Irma said, obviously a bit hurt by Simon’s apparent rudeness.

Simon apologized and said, “you do realize it’s not everyyddddday that you have a ddddead woman hanging aaaround”.

“No, I do understand, and please accept my apology for being so oblivious to your pain, were you close to the victim?” Irma said sympathetically.

“Well, it was our first daddate”, Simon responded sadly.

 

Just then this really cool cat comes roiling down the hall, and man he is dressed to the Nines. He stops in front of the three Yeshiva boys, and offers his hand,

“Izzy Ben Trouble, at the ready”, he states. The three lads introduce themselves, and Izzy beckons them to follow him back to his office. He’s got a hell-a wild office, which seems to fit in with who he is and his offbeat reputation. There are some beautiful prints hanging on the walls, along with two different portraits of John Lennon, one of them being “The Two Virgins”, with John & Yoko, totally naked; a Diego Rivera original, and an Andy Warhol piece of pop art, quite graphic. He’s got some very comfortable chairs, a large eloquently crafted Oak table, which is where we all choose to sit. Izzy rolls to his desk, and removes from the bottom drawer a fifth bottle of Jameson’s Irish whiskey, brings that along with four shot glasses to the table, and says

“I believe in breaking down barriers at the get-go, so we can get down to what’s really happening. He uncorks the bottle and quickly and neatly pours four shots. Each man takes a shot and with a salute’ or a blessing or some blasphemy, knocks the shot back.

“Now, Tell me your story”, izzy invites the three Yids to speak

Simon begins the tale of the still dead Elizabeth.

Izzy listens, taking in every detail, small or insignificant, it’s all-important to Ben Trouble. He stops Simon mid sentence to ask a question.

“Did you actually see Elizabeth at the moment that she died, what I mean to say is, do you know for a fact, that she was dancing and then just passed out and died?” he went on,

“Is it not possible that someone in that very crowded room at the Kosher Pup, dealt Elizabeth the final death blow, so to speak?

” Boris chimed in “That could have been anyone, how you going to find the so called perpetrator?”

 “Spot on question, Tiny”, Izzy replied with just a touch of sarcasm”

Boris did not like the crack about Tiny, and he stood up to tell Ben Trouble. When Boris stood straight up, did not hunch, he was a pretty imposing figure. He stood just about 6 ft. and as was mentioned earlier weighed in at about 345. There was no way of getting around the fact that Boris Platski was one very large Yid! With Izzy sitting in his Quickie wheelchair, Boris towered over him. However, when Boris took a step in his direction, faster then you can say Baruch HaShem, Izzy had turned the tables on Boris, who was now heading out the office door. What had just happened? How did he get so disoriented? Izzy, was still sitting In his chair, sipping his Jameson’s like nothing had happened. Simon knew what was afoot, Jew-Do! It was not that surprising to Simon to realize that Izzy Ben Trouble was a JewDo practitioner. It actually made all the sense in the world. As it turns out as things so often do, especially when no one is paying attention, Izzy Ben Trouble was much more then just a JewDo practitioner, he was in fact, if we are to set the record straight, a Master of JewDo. But he was not merely a Master of JewDo, he was a Grand Master. There were very few people who had reached the rank of Grand Master. If you were, I wouldn’t say lucky or fortunate are the appropriate choices to fill in the remainder of the sentence, perhaps crazy or self-absorbed or infinitely full of yourself, to reach the rank of Grand Master, you were in a class by yourself!

 

Simon was, as was the situation with Yid the Kid, immediately mesmerized by the art, the finesse, the magic, and the incredible state of Coolness, which Izzy Ben Trouble had recently demonstrated.

“Mr. Trouble”, Simon said reverently, “that was Jew-Do, we just witnessed, was it not?”

“That’s Ben Trouble, son”, Izzy replied. Then he continued, “I’m impressed you are familiar enough with the techniques of JewDo, to spot it so quickly”. “Where did you come across it, may I be so blunt as to ask?”

Simon began to recall his initial encounter with the Kid, but Benny interrupted his monologue. “Just give him the high points Simon, he doesn’t want to hear the whole story”, said Benny the Brain.

But Izzy was a man who cherished details, and he said “On the contrary, young man, please tell me everything you can remember”.

So Simon recounted the story of the Yid, the school toughs, and his introduction to JewDo.

“And who did you say this young Yid was”, asked Ben Trouble, “He just calls himself the Ki ii iid” Simon answered,

“it’s got to be Samuel”, Izzy said almost more to himself then anyone else in the room.

“Whose Samuel” Boris asks innocently. “

Samuel was my student for many years. He was a prodigy, gifted, very special. Then all of a sudden he was there and then, puff, he was gone”. Ben Trouble continued “I’m very worried that he has been wooed over to the power of the dark side”.

“No way” Simon loudly protested,

“Yes, I think so, he was wooed by the power to always be Cool”.

“Not the Kid, he’s COOL personified” Simon pleaded.

“So true, but don’t you see, always being cool, presents some real problems. Some situations just don’t lend themselves to staying or being cool, some situations are meant to deal with your other emotions, anger, intolerance, even hatred. Hate is a very strong emotion, when it comes up, you often have to deal with it head on. You just cannot always be COOL! Izzy Ben Trouble confided in the three young men sitting around his table,

“You, my fine young gentlemen, have to help me find Samuel and convince him to return to what is good and positive in this crazy mixed up world”.

“But how, what, where do we begin”, all three of the Yeshiva students said almost simultaneously.

“Simple, we begin at the beginning, how we do it, is by putting one foot in front of the other, what we’re going to do is restore the soul that went missing in Samuel!”

Simon, Boris and Benny, all looked at each other, with a combined look of “What the hell”, and all three nodded their heads in agreement.

 

 

Chapter IX: Yids run amuck!

 

 

Getting back to the Kosher Pup, the three young Yids, could not mistake the smell of death and decay. They had a very difficult time getting close enough to Boris office, to witness the current state of decomposition that Elizabeth was in. Simon knew he needed to inform Elizabeth’s parent’s of their daughters untimely death. When out of nowhere armed men entered the Pup from as many points as possible.

Guns drawn, they had very quickly put the three stunned boys on the floor with arms and hands stretched out, shouting orders and covering their noses, they kicked down the door to the little office where Boris and Simon had kept Elizabeth. They could of just turned the knob, the door was unlocked, but that would of taken away from the drama of the moment. Two men with their guns at the ready entered the small room only to find it empty. There was no Elizabeth, no rotting body, there was nothing, but one of the men (apparently they were FBI) found a small scrap of paper on the floor with a few words written on it. The note said “have gone home, didn’t know where you were”, and it was signed Liz. They were entering the Twilight Zone, Elizabeth was dead? But then who wrote the note, and where is the supposed dead body? This situation was getting weirder by the minute.

 

The men with the guns assisted the three young men to their feet, offered them chairs and then proceeded to interrogate them. Asking them who was the dead woman,?  where was the dead woman? Was she in fact really dead? How come they had not reported this assumed dead body to the proper authorities?

Benny spoke up saying that he and his fellow Yeshiva students were taking the fifth, and not saying another word until they had legal representation. The FBI agent who seemed to be calling the shots, said that was fine with him, and handed Benny his cell phone. Benny handed it over to Simon, and asked him if he knew any good mouthpieces?

Simon said, “the only one I know who knew much about the law was the Kid, and if it was our job to try and detain him, this might be a good way to accomplish this”.

 “But do you know his number” interjected Boris, Simon had to admit, he did not.

”Well then Boris continued, why don’t you call Izzy Ben, and ask if he has a way to contact the Kid”.

So Simon did just that, when he finally reached Izzy Ben Trouble, which took some time tracking him down, for Izzy was in the field on another case, Izzy gave him a contact number, and asked Simon, what was going down? When Simon told him that the FBI was holding them, Izzy said he would be right over.

Simon had barely hung up the phone when Izzy Ben Trouble was at the front door to the Kosher Pup.

“Hey Izz, what da ya hear, what da ya say”, the vocal FBI agent said when he saw Izzy at the door,

“Not a whole lot, Geoff how’s by you”, “How’s the family?” Izzy shot back,

“Doing fine, Izz, thanks for asking”, said Geoff. Geoff and Izzy went into a huddle, discussing the situation as it was unfolding. Finally Geoff informed the other agents to release the three young men, and clear out, their work was done. Simon was starting to fall apart under the pressure of the present circumstances, however, with the presence of Izzy Ben Trouble, it was as if he was provided with an automatic kick-start.

“Man, it seems like you know everyone izzy”, Benny said.

 “I do get around”, Izzy responded.

“What is it with you guys, you seem to draw a lot of attention for three nebbish yeshiva bruders”, Ben Trouble remarked.

“Yes, it d d does seem th that w w w w ay, but only recently” Simon stuttered.

“it would not happen to coincide with the arrival of one Yid the Kid, would it?”Izzy pressed.

“As a mat t ter of faaaact, now th th that you mem me tion it” Simon went on.

“Well since I’m already here, might as well make hay while the sun shines, or something to that affect”, Izzy says to no one in particular. “I understand we have a bit of a twist in this case, NU?”

Benny chimes in, “you mean the fact that there is a missing dead body, that we’re not even sure is dead?”

“Right on target” Izzy beams, “You boys are turning into first class detectives” Ben Trouble continues, “so let’s pre-suppose that Elizabeth is not dead, which I’m sure would be to Simon’s great relief, not to mention, Elizabeth’s parents, half out of their minds with worry (Izzy was having a very difficult time trying to figure out, how it was possible for two relatively intelligent men to neglect to inform the unfortunate parents of their daughter’s death)”, Izzy shouted angrily.

What then was and is that overwhelming stench?

“I think I have the answer to that”, Boris reports, “I’m pretty sure I never put the white fish back In the refrigerator, with all the craziness going on”.

”Izzy’s stone cold expression, slowly becomes a smile, “That would definitely provide us with the olfactory predominance that we are presently experiencing.” “Why don’t you dispose of the offending odor, Boris.” Ben Trouble suggested. Boris hastened away to dispel of the odorous spoiled white fish.

“Simon, it is your task to discover whether or not sweet Elizabeth is still with us, and Benny and I will do a bit of pilpul, which will hopefully give us a better understanding of just exactly where we’re at in this seemingly vastly confusing case.

 

 

Chapter X:  Elizabeth almost gives up the Ghost

 

 

Elizabeth Trupnick awoke with a savagely sore neck, back, and right leg. To even lift her head or raise her leg created more pain then Elizabeth had ever felt before. She rose ever so slowly; she rubbed her eyes to gain some clarity of focus, for she had no idea whatsoever as to where she might be. And then as if hit from behind by a linebacker for the Oakland Raiders, Elizabeth was consumed by the smell of rotting white fish. The smell was so overwhelming, so intensely nauseating that Elizabeth nearly passed out. She then noticed another odor, somehow closer to her, which was different then the overriding stink, but equally as distasteful and stomach wrenching. The new odor was emanating from Elizabeth herself. Elizabeth had to get out of wherever she was, and it had to be right NOW!

She found a scrap of paper on the desk next to where she had found herself when she had awoken. There was a stub of a pencil, which she used to scrawl a note to Simon, wherever the hell he was. “have gone home, didn’t know where you were’

Elizabeth got shakily to her feet, felt nauseous, like she was going to vomit, stood up again, braced herself against a pillar, and then the room started to spin, and sweet Elizabeth lost her cookies. She fell back to her knees, and wasn’t at all sure she could get to her feet a second time. She evacuated all that she had in her stomach, and now her bowels threatened to erupt. She was dying, she was sure of that. How could one feel any worse then she did, and live through it? She fell asleep amidst all the debris. A half an hour later, Elizabeth woke again, struggled to her feet, and managed to exit the room, the Kosher Pup, and somehow find her way home, to the immense relief of her overly distraught parents.

This adventure occurred sometime between midnight, when Simon and Boris had propped her dead body (or so they thought) onto the Lazy Boy chair, in Boris’s little office, and when they had returned to the office the next day, when the FBI had stormed the Pup, like real Yahoos, only to find am empty office, three wild Yids, Izzy Ben Trouble, along with an overpowering, mind numbing and crushing stink.

 

 

Chapter XI:  A Pil for you, and a Pul for me!

 

 

Benny The Brain, & Izzy Ben Trouble agreed to meet back at Ben Trouble’s office at 4 p.m.  Besides his ultimate desire to solve this nonsensical case, Izzy was also looking forward to the philosophical mind dance that he and Benny were to engage in, later this afternoon. It was quite similar to an evenly matched game of chess, or even more to the point, it’s right on target, and spot on!, as it were, like the game of GO! Izzy was well aware that Benny The Brain was a worthy opponent. One mental slip, one cognitive hesitation, and there goes the ballgame, so to speak.

 

Izzy arrived early, to have an opportunity to set the stage for this evenings pilpul, for there was no doubt that it was to last until late in the evening, Izzy made sure there was a full pitcher of ice water, ample amounts of Jameson’s, beer and other beverages. He chose two of his most comfortable chairs, although more often then not, Izzy found his quickie wheelchair with his customized Jay seat cushion, to be the most comfortable.

 

Benny arrived at 4 p.m. sharp, with a number of reference books in tow. Among them was a copy of the Pentateuch/Torah, the first five books of Moses. The Babylonian Talmud as well as various books of commentary by globally recognized, Rabbinic and Jewish scholars. Izzy regarded Benny with awe and admiration, “I see you have come well prepared”. Benny The Brain, merely nodded, put the books down on an end table and sat in one of the two chairs, which Izzy had chosen for the occasion.  “I’m ready” Benny replied.

 

“I guess that implies I should start out”, Izzy said. “OK, I think we should establish as soon as possible what are ultimate end goal is, and then once that’s established, we then can deal with some of the side issues that have crept up”.

“I concur with this introductory analysis.” Benny replied again.

“Then shall we move on” Says Izzy, just a touch annoyed at the way Benny was acting. But then when he thought about it some more, he realized this might be the way Benny goes into all his pilpul matches, he must have to get into a particular frame of mind. Izzy then came to the startling realization that he, Izzy Ben Trouble had met his match, that Benny The Brain may just be the better of the two in the arena of PilPul.

 

 Izzy began by saying “I believe our ultimate goal is to get Samuel (I.e. The Kid, the Yid), back on the right side of the street, back to life affirming movement and away from the power and greed of the dark side”.

“Well spoken” said Benny, “but I think the question within the question is this, has the Yid done this of his own free will or has he been coerced?, if it is free will that has motivated the Kid, then what right do we have to interfere?” “Benny continued, “further, what evidence do you possess that would substantiate the Yids move towards the dark side, towards power and greed?”

 

“Fair question” Izzy replied, “Let me start by saying, the Kid as you and your comrades refer to him, I only know him as Samuel, was my student for many years. Most student/teacher relationships last a lifetime. For reasons unbeknownst to myself, this relationship did not last nearly that long”.

 “Understandably sad, but may I be so bold as to ask what this has to do with our original ultimate question?” Benny inquired.

“It’s merely for the purpose of establishing some background”, Izzy answered. “Then by all means proceed”, Benny said.

 

“What’s odd is that Samuel’s departure from my tutelage occurred at approximately the same time as the showdown with the high school bullies and Simon Saltzman”.  “Then shortly after that is the incident with the cab driver. To top it off, Samuel is seen in the Kosher Pup, where he never would have stepped foot in before all this showy bravado occurred.” Izzy continues,

“And your point being?” The Brain inquires,

“My point being that something or someone messed with Samuel’s otherwise well balanced and solidly controlled ego. When he was studying with me, he had no need to demonstrate his intimate knowledge and affinity with Jew-Do. This Moshe Art is not something you flaunt all over the neighborhood”, Izzy said trying to control his emotions. It was becoming clear to Ben Trouble that he was very much emotionally caught up in this case, hell Samuel was like the son that Izzy never had. “It’s like someone messed with his control center, he was always so, how shall I put it, he was always totally in control of his emotions, both those of close feelings, tenderness, love, and also the negative emotions of anger, hostility, hatred.”

Benny interjected, “Let’s take a deeper look at the question of free will:  This interpretation is based on the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

We all know the story of Adam, Eve and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden. The facts are simple enough: among all His creations, G-d created a single creature, man, with the freedom to choose between good and evil, between fulfillment of the divine will and its defiance. Within hours of their creation, the first man and woman chose the latter. They had been commanded not to eat of the fruit of a certain tree, and they violated this commandment.

With this deed, they profoundly altered the nature of life on earth. The human being, the perfect handiwork of G-d, was perfect no more. A new, alien element–death–entered into life. Man was banished from tranquil Eden to a world where anything of value is achieved only through toil, struggle and pain.

Thus, man was instructed (Genesis 2:15) to work and keep the Garden of Eden, the divinely planted oasis of perfection in the heart of the universe. He was to work the garden, cultivating its inherent goodness, fanning the great flame that would draw sparks from the farthest reaches of creation. He was to keep the garden, guarding its frontiers and preventing the slightest vestige of evil from seeping in or even coming in contact with his sacred world.

But man was not content with this tranquil work, with this dis-involved achievement. He was drawn by the lure of the unknown, by the spiritual anti-matter that lay beyond the pale of his world. He was tempted by the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (Etz haDaat Tov veRa) that stood in the center of the garden–the tree that offered insight into and affinity with all realms of G-d’s creation (the Hebrew word daat implies an intimate knowledge of and relationship with the known object, as in the verse, “Adam knew his wife Eve”). He wanted to wrestle with his enemy rather than wage war by remote control from behind walls of unknowing bliss.

Man chose knowledge over integrity, involvement over perfection, struggle over tranquility. He ate of the forbidden fruit, and the knowledge of evil entered into him. It infiltrated his flesh, entwined itself in his soul, was grafted onto his most basic drives and desires. He was now a foreign body in the Garden of Eden, which promptly ejected him into a world of blurred boundaries, a world where every evil has a trace of good and every good has a trace of evil. Before man tasted of the Tree of Knowledge, evil was something unnatural–something outside of the human experience. But the moment he violated his ignorance of it, it became part and parcel of his nature, if only by awareness and association.

Man became mortal. Life, by definition, is attachment to G-d, the ultimate and exclusive source of life. When this attachment was absolute and unequivocal, life, too, was without limitation or end. But from the moment man chose to know evil–to relate to that which is contrary to the Divine–his attachment to the eternal was compromised; death gained a hold on him, and begins to drain his life from the moment of his birth.

No longer the tranquil cultivation of good, human life was redefined as a war with evil: a wrestling match that is also an embrace, a duel in which the enemy claims an intimate corner of the warrior’s mind and heart. Life became an arena in which nothing could be achieved without deep personal cost: bread is wrested from the ground only by the sweat of one’s brow; children are brought into the world via the agony of love, the misery of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth; and to defeat evil one also must battle oneself, painfully extracting the tentacles of sympathy that have gained inroads into one’s soul.

But man has been granted the freedom to choose between good and evil. He can choose to resist the negative influences of his environment, or he can choose to welcome them and submit to them. He can also choose to corrupt himself beyond what is inevitable, or even natural, in his contact with a world of good and evil. He can extend the subjectivity of emotion to the naturally objective mind, reducing his intellect to a lackey of his sentiments and a justifier of his desires. He can even pervert his supra-rational self (whose natural expression is faith in G-d and altruistic service of him) by pursuing an evil path contrary to all reason–contrary, even, to his own self interest.

 

 It is therefor my position that Samuel, the Kid, the Yid or whatever you want to call him, that he chose freely to follow the path he’s on. Whether it be to his advantage ultimately or not. Can you blame him for wanting to wrestle with the Adversary? Can you say you have never sought knowledge instead of integrity, or struggle over tranquility? Have you not enjoyed the battle for the sake of ‘battle’?   Is it up to us to decide for him which path he should take? I say NO, He has tasted the fruit from the tree of knowledge, he has incorporated evil within his entire being, he knows evil intimately, and he knows intuitively (Daat) that which is his path. Benny The Brain concluded his argument.

 

Izzy Ben Trouble was left speechless. He knew Benny was good at pilpul, but he had not expected anything quite like what had just been served up to him. Benny’s argument was dead on. But Izzy knew he had to continue his quest to reach out to Samuel and get him of his own ‘free will’ to return.

 

The time was nearing 10:30 p.m. Ben Trouble said “Well Benny, this evening has been most enlightening indeed, but I think it’s time to wrap it up”.

 

Benny nodded in the affirmative, gathered his cherished books and stood to leave. “Thank you for a most stimulating and thought provoking evening Mr. Ben Trouble, I do hope you have gained some insight into the ultimate goal which we set earlier.”

“More then you can possibly know”, thank you Benny,

 

Chapter XII: The Yid and the Kosher Pup

 

I know, you were beginning to think, what the hell is the damned connection between the Yid and the Kosher Pup? Well, we’re getting to that, and as soon as I figure out what it is, I’ll gladly lay it on you. The Yid was starting to feel like there was something not so right happening to him. His self-confidence was beginning to fray around the edges, He was constantly preforming Jew-Do routines, and that’s exactly what it felt like, preforming. Before Simon Saltzman everything was right, all things had their place, the world seemed to be spinning correctly on it’s axis, and the Kid with the Love and Support of his benefactor, one Izzy Ben Trouble, went about his day to day activities with no second guessing or questioning.

Samuel (Yid the Kid), normally visited Izzy 2 or 3 times a week, just to check-in. As he sat and meditated, he realized he had not seen Izzy in close to 3 weeks. He was feeling pretty bad, and was making a mental checklist of all the things that just seemed out of balance over the last few weeks. He sat for another 20 minutes, and when he had finished with his morning meditation, he decided he needed to see Izzy Ben Trouble, to share his concerns and hopefully get some answers. Samuel went into the bathroom to wash up, and as he was washing his face he noticed something on his left ear lobe, that he had not noticed in the past.

 

It was a black mole, it could have been mistaken for a black stud earing, only the Kid did not wear earrings, no one that he knew of in the entire Chassidic community wore earrings. Tattoos, now that was an entirely different story. The Kid had come across many a Yid that sported a small innocuous tat somewhere on their body that could easily be hidden. Some Yids had tats that were seemingly meaningless, that is they had no particular meaning beyond that of being a tiny bit rebellious. Then there were those Yids; very few, that had tats of specific Hebrew letters, or symbols of peace and balance, that were significant to the person wearing them. There was even supposedly one Yid who had the name of God, in both old and current Hebrew script tattooed on both his arms, but those are only stories, gossip, and rumors.

 

But, we are getting off subject once again. We were looking at that strange mole on the Kids left ear lobe! On further examination, he realized that this mole was a bit sensitive to the touch. Now The Yid started to get worried, maybe he should go see a doctor? First things first, go see Izzy. On his way southward traveling on foot, as the Kid always did, he took a detour on Beverly Blvd., which he had been doing on a daily basis for approximately the last 3 weeks, to the well-established and extremely popular eatery, known to the general public as the Kosher Pup, but to its regulars as the Pup! The Kid had been making these daily drop-ins to the Pup, almost unconsciously. Usually his drop-ins occurred around 11 -11:30 a.m., he would order a pup to go, and then consume the dog as he continued his morning walk.

 

This morning was no exception. He slipped into the Pup, gave his order to Boris, who had not put it together that the Kid was in his place of business every morning, ordering the same thing every day. As he was finishing off the last of the Pup, the Kid noticed some drug addled youths attempting to hot wire a car that was parked on a side street. The Yid casually walked over to them and said “Good day to you gentlemen, you might want to re-consider your current activity, and take a walk”. One mousey looking miscreant, looked up and said, “piss off Jew”, Samuel could feel the juices starting to bubble, he was looking forward to enacting retribution on these lowlife troublemakers. This was not what he should be feeling. The 3 disheveled youths went back to their task at hand. The Kid centered himself, started his morning prayers and put all three young men on the sidewalk, face down, and wrist behind their backs, awaiting the handcuffs that would soon be placed upon them. Within minutes a squad car had arrived, two police officers exited their vehicle and proceeded to place the three petty criminals under arrest. Samuel said, “I gave them the choice, they chose unwisely.”

 

The Yid continued his brisk walk down Fairfax Ave., but he kept re-playing the last encounter with those three losers, the detached analytical part of his mind was looking at the ego-mind that was relishing the victory just moments ago. This was not RIGHT! How did his ego, which he had spent years training to NOT respond, how is it now once again front and center, basking in the temporary glow of the moment? There was no doubt about it; his mind/body was not doing well. He was in a state of dis-ease.

 

When Samuel reached his destination, the office of Izzy Ben Trouble, his ego-mind hesitated, “there’s really no need to go in to see Izzy. You have made the right decisions for yourself; you have been given the great gift of free will. You are your own man now, you really don’t need a mentor.”

Then the Just, analytical mind “Samuel, Izzy needs to know your alright, make whatever decisions you need to make for yourself, but you must show up for Izzy, Izzy, Izzy, IZZ, Izzzzy”. It was as if a part of the Kid’s brain were short-circuiting. He stood there outside the large office building holding his head with both hands. He felt as though he were losing his mind

 

Samuel, Yid the Kid, stumbled into the elevator, managed to push the correct button, #12, all the while holding his head, to protect himself from the illogical fear of his head exploding.                                                                                                                      

 

 

Chapter XIII:  “Give me that ole predestination”

 

 

Samuel came crashing out of the elevator, still holding his head together with both hands. He caromed recklessly from one wall to another. Everyone in the office was paralyzed with shock. Staff personnel, who had known Samuel, and had established close, intimate relationships, were rendered speechless. This was not the Samuel they knew; this young man had serious problems, Irma Moralles, the office manager, tried to intercept Samuel, but he frantically pushed her aside. Anna Marie, Izzy’s personal secretary, attempted to stop Samuel by kind of embracing him and holding tight. However, that would be akin to riding a Mad, frothing at the mouth, wild bucking bronco. The next best thing to restraining the Kid was to clear as wide a path for him as possible. Izzy Ben Trouble came rolling out of his office in the back to see what all the commotion was. When he saw that it was Samuel, he rolled right up to him. Grabbed him in a full embrace, and both Samuel, a.k.a. Yid the Kid, and Isadore Ben Yitzak, a.k.a, Izzy Ben Trouble let the floodgates open up, and they both cried long and hard. 

 

After what seemed like an eternity, both men still holding on tightly to each other, saying nothing, headed back to Izzy’s office. Closing the door behind them, Samuel chose “his chair” and without releasing Izzy’s hand, sat down. They sat in silence as day punched out and nighttime clocked in.

Izzy finally broke the silence, “how ya doin, you don’t look so well”.

“I feel like I’m losing my mind, if you should want to hear the truth”, Samuel replied.

“That’s all I ever wanted, you must know that”, said Izzy.

 “and I thought I was speaking truth” Samuel said with urgency, “but something went wrong, desperately wrong”

Izzy nodded his head and rolled to his personal coffee maker, “you up for a cup of Jo, it may help you feel more alert”,

“No thanks, I think I’ve been putting enough garbage in body over the last few weeks” The Kid answered.

“So, why don’t you tell me what’s been happening to you over those last few weeks?” 

“Good question, it all seems like a dream, or more to the point, like a nightmare”

 

“It’s really kind of hard to put my finger on exactly what was going on, if I think back, I believe things started going kind of haywire around the time when I first ran into Simon Saltzman”.

Izzy nodded again and said, “Yes, I would have to concur with that”.

Samuel rose from his seat, and started pacing the office, “I felt like I was getting a call from a long distance away, what I mean was I heard Simon whispering something like, please help me, don’t let them harass me again”, Samuel continued, “so I just kept on walking, and before I knew where I was, I was engaged in JewDo with a bunch of rowdy young men”

“And how did you feel after you had finished your exercises?”Izzy asked.

“Well, it felt kind of good, I had prevented those punks from harassing Simon”.

Hmm, Izzy mused. “But do you think that is what HaShem , blessed be the name, had intended”.

Samuel said nothing, just looked at Izzy and shrugged his shoulders.

“Samuel”, Izzy said irritably, “this is very serious stuff we’re dealing with, a shrug of the shoulders is not sufficient” And Izzy was not through yet, “what we’re talking about may have universal ramifications”, “You, my good friend may have inadvertently messed with the cosmic concept of “Free Will”

 

Chapter XIV:  What a Kosher Pickle!

                                               

“What the heck do you mean by messing with the cosmic concept of Free Will”, The Kid asked, a bit shaken.

Izzy took a satisfying sip of his coffee, and then lit up a Garcia Vega cigar, about the size of a normal cigarette, started to offer one to Samuel, but then thought better of it. After another drink of coffee and a drag off his cigar, Izzy said, “Over the last 3 weeks, you have been making a great many independent decisions, many of which in some way or other dealt with JewDo, is that not correct”?

“Ya, I guess I have” the Kid replied.

“Something that I learned the other evening from Benny Schwartzkoff, I believe applies to your situation, and may provide us with clues we need to get to the bottom of all this. We as human beings have been blessed by HaShem with the gift of Free Will. We can decide whether or not we want to allow Evil to play a role in whatever it is we decide to do! Benny laid out this exquisitely beautiful argument to substantiate Adam & Eve’s fall from the perfection of the Garden, how by tasting of the apple they had, so to speak, invited the Adversary to dance with them, as it were. As it is said, “We live in a world where every evil has a trace of good and every good has a trace of evil”. Basically what I think he was saying was, and I’m quoting Benny now, that because of Adam & Eve’s choice to eat from The Tree of Knowledge, everything that we achieve or want for ourselves comes at a deep personal cost, bread is wrested from the ground only by the sweat of one’s brow; children are brought into the world via the agony of love, the misery of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth; and to defeat evil one also must battle oneself, painfully extracting the tentacles of sympathy that have gained inroads into one’s soul”.

 

“Does that make any sense?”, Izzy asked expectedly.

“The last thing you said about having to battle yourself, man that hit home”, The Yid said.

“Yes, right, that stood out for me as well”.

 ”But what I don’t understand is the part about the tentacles of sympathy?”, “what is that about?” Samuel said.  

Izzy then said  to the Kid, “I really don’t know , that’s a good question to hold for Benny. “I’ve got something else I need to ask you, This might sound kind of crackers, but I think it’s an appropriate question, do you believe in the possession of a body by a disembodied soul”?

Samuel became somewhat animated and responded to Izzy’s question, “I’m not sure if I do believe it, but there is a great wealth of information in the Kabbalah on that very subject, and exorcism of the evil spirit or dybbuk.”

 “Well I think it may be the answer to our current dilemma, and believe me when I say, I do not take this kind of stuff lightly”,  Izzy said. “Well, I need more information before I’m going to let anyone exorcise me, I think we should get our resident brain, Benny to fill us in and give us the low-down, said the Yid.

“Can be done, no prob, I don’t think he has a phone, so I guess we can catch up with him at the Pup. Izzy said with a look completion.   

“Are you sure you don’t want to rest a bit. You’ve taxed your body way out, why don’t you get a few hours shuteye, and then we will head down to the Pup. You know there is something kind of strange about that place, every time it’s mentioned I get this kind of uncomfortable feeling that sort of encompasses my entire being.” Izzy proclaimed.

“Maybe we should do a thorough investigation when we get down there, its had it’s share of strange goings on”, Samuel said.

“Makes sense to me” said Izzy.

As Samuel was walking up the stairs to a guest bedroom, he often used to crash in, Izzy said, “Hey Kid, nice to have you back”.

“Amen to that, . . . .  hey man, I love you”, said the Yid,

Izzy was hit with that expression of feeling like being blindsided by a run away train, “Thanks, I really needed to hear that, you know how much I love you”!

“Yes I do know”, said Yid the Kid. He undressed, briefly examined the black mole, and then got under the covers, and before you knew it the Kid was sawing wood.

 

 

Chapter XV:   And the beat goes on, and on, and on, and on. . . . . .

 

 

As history moves into the Christian phase, JewDo is relegated to the end of the line, the back of the bus. Those adept in the philosophy and physical practice of JewDo, were for some mysterious reasons looked upon with derision, scorn, and were publicly humiliated when discovered practicing their craft in a public area. In its heyday, during the time of the second temple, to have knowledge of and practice JewDo was a very hip, cool, awesome thing to be doing with your life. You think maybe it’s a Jewish thing? Naaaaaa!

 

So let us check out just a little bit of history, and study the constant demise of what was once a very stunning, pristine, and seamless Moshe Art.

 

(70 CE) Destruction of the Second Temple. Of the different Jewish sects that thrived during the 1st century CE (Pharisees, Sadducees, Zealots, Essenes, and Christians), only the Christians survived. JewDo’ers (OOO’ers not UUU’ers) run for cover!

 

(306–324 CE) Now we pick up pretty much where we left off, in Constantinople. Following the victory of Christian emperor Constantine in the Civil Wars of the Tetrarchy , the Christianization of the Roman Empire began.

(326 CE), Constantine‘s mother Saint Helena visited Jerusalem and began the construction of churches and shrines. Palestine became a center of Christianity, attracting numerous monks and religious scholars. She was such a shiksa. There were many novice Christians who were craving to find this lost Art form, known as JewDo.

 

(636 CE), Palestine was conquered by the Islamic Empire following the Battle of Yarmouk.  The result of the battle was a complete Muslim victory, which ended Byzantine (Roman) rule in Syria. The Battle of Yarmouk is regarded as one of the most decisive battles in military history, and it marked the first great wave of Islamic conquests after the death of prophet Muhammad, As Islam hits the world stage, during this period of time, early adherents of this relatively recent Abrahamic religion, find the now cult like Moshe Art, and add to the multi-cultural/ethnic mix, with their own flavor of strict obedience to God, and their often confusing belief in predestination and free will. Kind of like what are protagonist, Samuel, Yid the Kid, is coming up against?

 

 (691 CE), the Dome of the Rock became the world’s first great work of Islamic architecture. Not surprisingly, many of the architects working on the Dome, were disciples of, or were at one time followers of the scandalous, incendiary, JewDo. 

 

(1099 CE), The Crusaders defeated the Fatimids (were mainly descent from Fatima the daughter of Prophet Muhammad). And, I think we will cease and desist with any further history, for I can see that your eyelids are getting heavy.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter XVI: Full Circle

 

 

The two Yids, Izzy and Samuel, one standing, one sitting down; one old, the other young, both men very impeccably dressed; one man, the master, the other, apprentice, both men arrived at the kosher Pup. The place to hang if you’re a way cool, down and dirty, but always come out of the clean machine, Jew Bro, Jew Mo, Jew Fro, JewDo, Jew, soooo Nu?. A little Jew rap, can ya dig it?

 

Back at the Pup, Samuel and Izzy let it be known that they were looking for Benny The Brain, and they could be found right here at the Pup.

“Wasup, brother man” , Boris greets The Yid from behind the counter.”

“Y0, Big Man, What’s shakein “, The Yid replies.

Boris was ready with his comeback, “As our good bud Simon, says; There ain’t nothin˙shakein but the leaves in the trees”, and everybody in the joint follows with “and they wouldn’t be shakein if there were no breeze.” The Pup was chillin in the COOL zone.

“Where is Simon, I have not seem him in awhile, come to think of it”, The Kid inquires.

Boris leans over the counter in a conspiratorial way and whispers to Samuel, “Hear tell he’s been hanging out with Elizabeth a lot of the time”,

“really, I thought after the fiasco with her near death experience, she was going to have nothing further to do with Simon” said The Kid.

“I guess not, they seem like their getting pretty tight, could be wedding bells soon” Boris says with a wisp of a smile.

“No way, Simon, that shlub, that schlemiel.

“One in the same”, says Boris.

“Hey Big Man let me have a pup with everything, and a vanilla phosphate”,

“got it covered, what bout you Izz”

Oh hell, I’ll have the same as the Kid”, Izzy says to Boris.

 

The two gentlemen are just sitting down to enjoy their meal, when Benny Schwartzkoff walks into the Pup. Benny says his obligatory hellos and then seats himself at Izzy and The Yids table.

“What’s the good word Yid” Samuel asked Benny as he sits down,

“The good word today Yid, is exorcism”. Both Samuel and Izzy almost choke on their food ,

”How is it you know what we want to talk to you about”, The Kid says to Benny with a look of disbelief plastered to his face.

“You know I wish I could give you an actual answer to that, but honest to HaShem. I just get these moments where I hear this little voice saying like today I heard it just say the word exorcism. Had I not had these experiences before, I might have been more freaked, but I knew someone wanted to see me with the reference point being exorcism”.  “So, tell me what your interest in this controversial subject matter is”.

“How to put this so it makes some kind of sense”, Izzy says “I think it’s best that we don’t beat around the bush, but be straight and to the point. So here goes. Both the Yid and I are concerned about the possibility that this Yid here picked up an unwanted passenger at some point during the last 3 to 4 weeks. Our reasons for these concerns lies in some pretty erratic behavior which the Kid has exhibited, both he and myself have been witness as have yourself, Benny and a few other people. I have done some cursory reading on the subject, and the little bit I was able to glean, was pretty convincing stuff.”

“I find this particular topic very fascinating, there is quite a bit written on it in the kabbalah. The power to exorcise a dybbuk was given to Ba’al Shem-Tov (Rabbi Yisroel ben Eliezezer) or his accomplished Hasidim, many Rabbi’s have been known to dabble in it as well. Actually, I believe you need to have a Rabbi perform the exorcism.

The Dybbuk is a demon or spirit from Jewish and Kabbalan traditions. The spirit possesses humans and uses their body to exercise its will. In Hebrew, “dybbuk” means “clinging” or “cleaving,” and that is from where the malevolent possessing spirit derives its name. It is generally believed that the spirit is the disembodied soul of a deceased person. According to tradition, a Dybbuk will possess a human when that soul is left unfilled with its original accomplishments here on Earth. The spirit will often target humans that are restless, people who lack continuity between their soul and body. It will then possess and take control of the body in an effort to carry out its tasks. .

To escape the perpetual torments inflicted upon it by evil spirits, the dybbuk seeks refuge in the body of some pious man or woman over whom the demons have no power.

Dybbuk are not necessarily inherently evil, thry may sometimes actually benefit the human hosts they possess. This type of possession is referred to as ‘sod h’ibbur,’ which means ‘mystery impregnation’ in Hebrew. When a Dybbuk possesses a human for positive reasons, the person may feel empowered and will often overcome obstacles they were unable to overcome prior to being possessed. Rabbis have historically performed exorcisms, though they differ in one key way from a typical Catholic exorcism: both the human host and the spirit are intended to be healed by the process. According to belief, this is because the spirit, which attaches to the human host in fact overcome the same sort of obstacles during its initial existence on Earth.

“That sounds like my kind of dybbbuk”, The Yid spoke up

“So Benny, do you know any Rabbi’s that are into doing exorcism’s?”

“as a matter of fact, I happen to know a Rabbi who is very hip, reasonably priced, and has been reading and getting up to speed on Jew-Do.”

“Alright, what’s his name” izzy said excitedly.

“Rabbi, Dr. Herman Frankenstien”, Benny answered matter of factly.   

“Wait just a minute, Samuel said, I know I’m being weird about this, but a Dr. Frankenstien?, I don’t think so”

”But he’s an excellent Doctor, and a very experienced exorcist”.

 “I don’t know”, says The Kid.

 

Just at that moment, Simon Saltzberg enters the Pup. “Simon, what it is Yid”, “what’s shakein homey”?  Simon looks around at the small group before him. “What’s going on here, looks like y’all are cooking something up” Simon says to no one in particular. The Yid answers Simon, by saying “OK, I’ll do it, but if this cat lives in an old spooky castle, and there’s lightening and thunder when we go, I’m history.” “Do what” ask Simon,” Samuel is going to get exorcised”, Benny answers. “But, the Kid gets plenty of exorcise”, Simon counters, The Kid puts his arm around Simon’s shoulder, and whispers in his ear, “Don’t worry Yid, it will become clear soon enough”.

 

When Samuel gets up to leave however, he gets this terrible feeling in his head, like he had when he went to see izzy, like his head were going to explode, he trips over a chair and goes crashing to the floor. He’s holding his head with both hands, and seems to be in considerable pain. ‘What’s happening Samuel”, Izzy says as he crouches down to give Samuel a hand. “I think we need to do that investigation of this place, Izz. I feel like there is something here”. Boris gets defensive about the Pup, ‘What do you mean an investigation, there’s nothing wrong with the Kosher Pup”.  “Take it easy Boris, no one is casting aspersions on the Pup, but If there is something here that is causing the Kid these massive headaches, and we can prevent it, don’t you want us to try?” Izzy says, “Well ya, I guess so”. “Well I should hope so”. Izzy finishes.

 

At that moment Benny has an idea, he stops as their about to exit the Pup, when he says “Something just occurred to me, if that paralyzing pain that the Yid has been experiencing, has anything to do with the Pup, it might be easier and more fruitful to have the exorcism at the Pup”. “Wait just one dang minute”. Says Boris, again attempting to defend the Pup. Simon, now coming to the party, chimes in, you know Boris, Benny is probably correct, If there is a dybbuk possessing The Kid, and it in some way or other is connected to the Kosher Pup, it would make perfect sense to perform the exorcism at the very place where the trouble emanates from. The Yid ask Benny if the Rabbi cares where the procedure is done. “I wouldn’t think that would matter much to him, but I’ll talk to him and let you know.” Benny said.

“Thanks Benny” The Kid says, and then “Well at least I won’t have to worry about an old castile, and then we’re not expecting any thunder showers, are we?”

 

Chapter XVII:  ‘sod h’ibbur,’ –‘mystery impregnation’

 

Benny met with Rabbi Frankenstien the next evening. When Benny had finished his presentation, the Rabbi was quite excited and eager to meet both these remarkable Jews. “You must be very clear with them that the exorcism must take place only on Shabbat evening”, Rabbi Frankenstien said with finality. “I understand Rabbi, uh, do you need anything special that we could provide?” Benny asked as he was departing from the shul on La Cienga Blvd”. “a bottle of schnapps would be nice.”

 

He went straight to Izzy’s office, and repeated all that was discussed with the Rabbi. Friday night was just two nights away. Samuel needed to prepare for this. Izzy knew that Samuel had to be ready physically, emotionally, and spiritually, if anything remained vulnerable, it could cause irreparable damage. Further Ben Trouble had made the unilateral decision to be The Kid’s personal drill sergeant, for the next 48 hours. He had even gone so far as to draw up a daily schedule. It looked something like this:

 

First wake up-call > 4:30 a.m.

Final wake-up call > 5:00 a.m. 

Sitting Meditation > 5:30 a.m.

Walking Meditation > 6:00 a.m.

3 mile jog > 6:30 a.m. 

Breakfast > 7 a.m. (organic granola, rice milk, green power/energy drink, fresh organic fruit {In Season}) > 

Run/walk wake up post breakfast 7:45 a.m. 

Sitting Meditation > 8 a.m.

Jew-Do (physical warm-ups) > 9 a.m.

Walking Meditation >  10:30 a.m.

Religious Study >   11:45 a.m.

Lunch > 1:00 p.m. (Organic vege salad, fresh, wild, catch of the day), energy shake

Jew-Do > 2:00 p.m. physical followed by mental/cognitive exercises.

Pil Pul > 3:00 p.m. Torah/Talmudic discourse. 

 

Izzy smiled at nothing in particular, he felt good about what he had just created. “That should get him in shape.

 

 By the time Friday rolled around, and I don’t mean in a wheelchair, The Yid, the Kid, Mr. Samuel Ben Kohanim; should we be surprised that Samuel heritage is from the priestly caste of Jews. Kohen (or Kohain; Hebrew: כֹּהֵן, “priest”, pl. כֹּהֲנִים Kohanim) is the Hebrew word for priest. Jewish Kohanim are traditionally believed and halachically required to be of direct patrilineal descent from the BiblicalAaron. Samuel seemed to be in top form. He was quiet, confident, and physically fine tuned.

 

 

Chapter XVIII: Debit, Dig It, Dybbuck!

 

Friday evening was barreling down on the small congregation at Beth Shalom. One of the requirements for the exorcism was to have a minyan (refers to a quorum of 10 individuals for certain religious rituals, at Beth Shalom, woman were counted equally to men). The Ba’al Shem ( Master of the Good Name) who performed the exorcism, used a combination of the various mystical names of God, as well as amulets in exorcizing the dybukks. A minyan was not a problem; There was Boris, Benny, Simon, Izzy, Elizabeth, Ruthie Shegas, Anna Marie (Izzy’s sexy secretary), Irma Morales (Izzy’s Office Manager), Ester Finkleman, the yeshiva librarian, and Danny Rizzoto (who happened to be one of the schoolyard toughs, who used to harass Simon on his way to shul). Danny had since experienced an epiphany one morning as he hung out with the rest of the gang. He saw himself on the bimah of a large, old, and ornately beautiful Synagogue. He was wearing the Hasidic garb, plus he had an exquisite tallit draped over his shoulders, and he was singing the Mourners Kaddish, his voice booming out and resonating off the walls, engulfing the entire assemblage in the gorgeous sound of his voice. Danny was a Cantor at Binah Yisrael, a very old, very respected and very well to do Congregation.  

 

The sun was setting in the west, the full moon was rising in the east, and Rabbi Frankensien, after ritually purifying himself and taking Samuel through the purification ritual, sat on a chair in the middle of the circle created by the 10 individuals who made up the minyan. There was a second chair facing the Rabbi or Tzadik, where Samuel was to sit.

 

The Tzadik had given Samuel several amulets to wear on his body as protection against the dybbuck. They were to be worn around his waist, the right and left arm, and he was to hold one in each hand. The amulets were pieces of parchment, with names of the holy one, the Master, HaShem, as well as menorahs, tablets of the Law, Stars of David, and swords. The amulets were written in what is called “alphabets of angels”—letters that are formed with tiny circles atop their ascenders.

The Rabbi and Samuel entered the circle and sat down. The Rabbi started quietly but continuously chanting the different names of God. The name of God in Judaism used most often in the Hebrew Bible is the four-letter name יהוה (YHWH), also known as the Tetragrammaton.  

El (God),                    Elohim (god plural),                     El Shaddai (God Almighty)          

Adonai, (Master)     Elyon (Highest)                              Avinu (Our father),                      

Ehyeh-Asher-          Ehyeh,                                               Adoshem,                

The Eternal One

Shekhinah,              Shalom,                                            HaMakom,                

YHWH Tzevaot        

El Roi ,                       Ba’ali,                                                             Eloah,                       HaShem,  Yah,                                                        

ese names over and over, faster and faster, “El Shaddi, El Roi, Eloah, Elohim, Elyon, Elyeh, Shekhinah, Adonai, HaShem, YWYH Tzevaot”, Over and over, faster and faster

“Who is possessing the body of Samuel ben Kohain, speak now, and let us help shed this burden.” “Yah, HaMakom, Ejyeh  Adoshem, Avinu, The Eternal One!”

“Speak, speak, speak now”

From Samuel’s lips came the strangest voice anyone there had ever heard before. “Alright already, don’t yell, Oy, your giving me such a headache!’ Whada ya want, Gay Avek, I’m trying to take a nap, you know this little momzer keeps me up, who knows what time it is!, he’s sitting and singing this meshugaas, who can sleep, oy vey iz mir.

Everyone in the room was stunned, it was a woman’s voice, sounded very east coast, and high pitched. It sounded like the majority of males in attendance worst nightmare, The Jewish Mother!!

“Hey, I’m talking here, you, nudnik?, I’m telling you when this pisher  was singing or reciting that meshugaas, I was going so crazy I could plotz” “Tell me doll, what’s your name, you seem a little Fermisht” She said to the Rabbi, “You look like a real mensch, upstanding, handsome too, so nu?Hak mir nit kayn chainik (arain) – (Don’t get on my nerves; St aip nagging me.)  (Lit., Don’t bang my teapot.)“ “Back off Sam, or whatever your name happens to be, you ain’t  heard nothing yet, just keep pushing, and youllll see”. Sweet Moses, what had Samuel taken on? The Rabbi was convinced this Dybbuck had to go. If nothing else Rabbi Frankenstein had to at least come up with some spell or incantation to put a muzzle on this `very annoying woman. The Rabbi wondered what this woman did when she was alive,was she married,  Oi, gevald! –(Cry of anguish, suffering, frustration or for help

What are you doing with all these shmegeges?” “Hey, know what I would love right now? I am really craving one of those Kosher Pups, I could Ess  just a bisel.” Now we know why The Yid liked those Pups so much.

Hak mir nit kayn chainik (arain) – (Don’t get on my nerves; Stop nagging me.)  (Lit., Don’t bang my teapot.)

The Rabbi tried to get a word in edge wise; finally he had to interrupt this dybbuk?  “Excuse me, EXCUSE ME, this is most peculiar, may I ask your name, and what exactly your doing, possessing my young friend here?”

“I’m picking up an accent here, you foreign or something”,

“Madam, I must demand that you identify yourself immediately”

“You demand”, you got chutzpah. I’ll give you that”

“Madam, what is your name, and what are you doing with Samuel?”

“Samuel, whose Samuel, gotteniu!, not this Shmendrik that sits and chants all day, and then he gets really physical, which is very upsetting to my delicate stomach; and he has the kishkes to want me to vacate?” Well you can kiss my tuchas, cause I’m staying put”

Rabbi Frankensien had never anticipaed anything like this. He needed to find another way around this impasse. 

“Can you tell me how you took up residence in the body of Samuel ben Kohanin?”

“OK, let me tell you, this is on the emes. I have been stranded at this location for, I don’t know, at least 50 years, Before it was in it’s current, how do I say it, it’s condition, this place was a bar, where you could get shicker pretty quickly. I was unfortunately there, well every day”. Drinking whatever any of the schnorrer’s were drinking. I think I must of died there, because I don’t remember anything past the drinking. “ The annoying woman said. “Ya it was a bar, a fish market and a donut shop. But I have to tell you, the Kosher Pup is the best, Boris, that sweet punim, he’s got a gold mine here”.

“The Rabbi looked askance at Samuel, although he was actually looking at the woman possessing Samuel’s body.

“ok,I know back to the story. So I’m sitting around one day, bored out of mind, When this young buck walks through the door, he is very distracted internally, know what I mean?”

“Yes, yes, go on please”, says the Rabbi. “So, I decide to see what this young Yid is all about, I don’t have access to everyone, just those who have some kind of struggle going on, and this Shoymer  mizves (pious person) comes walking into the back room, where I usually hang out. The Yeshiveh bocher seems very nervous, or he has something on his mind. So, I decide to see what’s going on, and the next you know, I’m inside him, and can’t seem to get out”.

“And now would you please tell me your name” the Rabbi asked.

My name is, is, my name is Greta Garbo, Haaa, no that’s not it, my name is Helen Keller”. The Tzadik was getting very frustrated,

“MADAM PLEASE!”. What is your intention of doing with Samuel”?

“My inten, what, listen you, stop using $25 words, or I’m just going to zip my lips, see”

“Alright the exasperated Rabbi agreed, “Please tell me your name, I need some way to address you”.

“What did you say, you want to undress me, you alter bok (old goat). The crazy dybbuk started laughing and howling, I’m just kidding she said between burst of laughter. My name is Sarah, Sarah Dryfuess”.

Ok, thank you Sarah”, the Tsaddik said relieved. “Do you have any memory of when that might have been, how long ago”?

 “I’d say roughly 3 or 4 weeks ago”.

“We have a little bit of a problem here”, the Rabbi said, “We need to get you out of Samuel’s body.”

“but what happens to me after I’m out, where do I go”.

“Well, now that’s a good question, I believe we can work it out so you get into shamayin, would you like that?” the Rabbi asked Sarah.

“Such a mekheye (An extreme pleasure, orgasmic, out of this world wonderful!) that would be”

”Good then let us complete this ceremony.”   

 

The Tzadik returned to the circle, Samuel was still sitting in the chair opposite him, apparently oblivious to everything going on around him. The Rabbi started reciting the names of G-d again, and uncovering the amulets; now the Rabbi was chanting the names of Hebrew angels: Metatron, Raziel, Tzaphliel, Tzadkiel, Khamael, Raphael, Uriel, Michael , Gabriel, Sandalphon, Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh (Holy, Holy, Holy), Archangels of HaShem, Be with us today to release Sarah Dreyfuess from the body of Samuel ben Kohanin. Let your power, your sense of justice, your compassion, and your infinite Love, penetrate Samuel’s soul and lift it up to the heavens, and please let Sarah’s soul accompany you to Shamayin, and let her soul find a resting place for all eternity.

 

The Tzadik rose from his chair, he indicated to the minyan gathered that they should all rise , and as they did Samuel chair rose into the air with him still sitting upon it.  The Rabbi then gently held Samuel’s head in both his hands, and  repeated these words; YHWH Tzevaot, Ha Shem, El Shaddai, Adonai, Elohim, Rise, Rise, Rise, Kadosh, Kadosh Kadosh, Come Sarah, and then Samuels mouth opened wide and issuing forth out of his mouth was the body of this woman. When she was all the way out and free of Samuel, she fell to the floor.

 

Sarah’s body quickly transformed from a young healthy woman, to an Alter Kocker, to Skelton, to a pile of dust. Rabbi Frankenstien asked Boris if he had anything to keep the dust in. Boris went off to kitchen to find something. Samuel was waking up from his trance like condition through most of the exorcism. Izzy broke the circle and walked over to the Kid. “Seems like we got the answers to most of the questions we had” Izzy said to The Kid,

 “Did We”, Samuel said with a curious look on his face.

 

 “We found out how the Pup ties into with what’s been happening with you.  It has been established that this intrusion into your space by that zany old woman coincided with your struggles around free choice.  We know now that you are not losing your mind, we can surmises from all this that there is larger scheme in play then we are privy too”. We are also now aware that Jew-Do has a time honored tradition, and that there is nothing to be gained by being or necessarily looking cool!

 

At t\\\his point in this topsy turvy, disheveled narrative, all the characters surround The Yid, slapping on the back, the occasional hug, special Yid handshakes, and general non-specific merriment ensue, as this story comes to a untimely, but none-the-less long awaited end.

The End

 

Or is it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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